Year of a million dreams.

The Dr. called Friday night while we were on the road. He said the cancer in the first sentinel node was small, and then very small ones in the other two. He wanted to schedule a second surgery to get all the surrounding nodes out on Wednesday. Then we need to discuss what treatments we want to do after that. It sounded like the best bet was Interferon, an immunological drug. I have researched a little internet of this before and those who have done it say its awful. I have tried to stay away from the internet this trip. Looking at survival rates is pretty bleak.

We have had a few special moments in the Magical Kingdom. On the way out of the park last night an employee stopped us to answer some some questions about our experience. The last questions went something like this: "Do you plan on returning to Disneyland?" Josh and I looked at each other, tears welling up, "I don't know" we both said." "Thats okay, would you LIKE to return to Disneyland?" That did it, and I started bawling and explaining that I would LOVE to come back but I just found out that I might be dying of cancer. I don't think she had a box to check that off on her sheet. She was crying and we were hugging. It was quite the scene.

Im not really sure who my audience is anymore, I think my ward friends are tuning in now, but I want to thank everyone who's helped, all the emails (which I'm going to find time to respond to someday), the food and flowers and babysitting. I just feel like I'm doing as well as I am because of all of you. Thank you so much for your prayers. God might get sick of my request, so its probably good coming from you too.

Happyness

I know a blog (at least mine) in not suppose to take place of, or even be compared to a personal journal. But let type the last entry I had in mine before I found out that my mole was indeed melanoma.

May 13th.

"Its mothers day so Josh is putting the kids to bed for me and I've wanted to write in here for a long time. Yesterday Josh and I were talking to our neighbor Danny about our 'vision board' (refer to the Secret DVD) [its basically a cork board you take pictures of everything you want to obtain in life so you can make a goal to get it]. He asked whats on mine.
I guess everything I want is just right before me. The house is great, the fam is perfect. I just feel blessed to have everything I have. I really feel like I'm living the abundant life.
It's walks in the morning down to the river to watch my boys throw rocks and blow dandelion wishes, and laying in the hammock with all five of us talking about the ghost James and Sam swear they saw in our house.  It's cuddling with Luke before his nap and wishing he would stay little forever-thats what the abundant life is and I thank God for it all."

Today Josh has been calling the Dr. office non-stop. The nurse said it was in, but not dictated so she couldn't tell us what it said. They closed their office at 2:30 so I waited. Josh said he would call at 1:30. From 1:30 till two I was shaking. I was getting ready to photograph my cousins' wedding. I took my mascara off to start putting on my face again. I put my contacts in then stopped, staring. In the mirror I saw a beautiful woman. I can only attribute it to being so nervous all the blood was rushing to my face. I thought for the first time in my mommy life "I don't even need make up today." My hair (which hadn't been touched) was softly falling down my shoulders, perfectly parted.
And then Josh called. He sounded up beat, "So...I talked to the nurse, she told me the results.." "And?" "And she said that they took out three lymph nodes, and they were all positive." "Positive? For what?" (I honestly did not think I would hear those words) "Melanoma."
We cried together for a minute.
I ran to my neighbors to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
Within an hour and a half my friends had packed our bags and my car.
I'm going to cash all the checks on my fridge. We are headed to California right now, until my appointment on Tuesday with the Dr. I really don't know what they do next. Maybe nothing, but I doubt it. I'm scared to death and I don't want to know any more.
If I'm going to go through denial, what better place than Disneyland?

Popularity

Im feeling pretty popular today. I have all your attention. I wish I could tell you something new. Can't. Sorry. I wish I had something funny or even worth reading to say. Can't. Sorry.
I do have a new blog! I finally had time to get it together while my mother in law has been taking care of everything else. Its alisalinton.blogspot.com. Lots of you are in it (if it bugs you let me know (Dave). You can click on the pictures to see them larger.
We better find out tomorrow!!!

Another day in the dark

Josh called the Dr. today to see if we would know the results of the biopsy soon. The Dr. was already gone, but the nurse was surprised we hadn't heard yet. I guess theres not much we can do till tomorrow. I was glad to talk to my neighbor the other day who has been through cancer. He said while he was waiting for results he just felt useless, which is exactly how I'm feeling. I guess if I knew I would be either extremely happy right now or scared to death. I guess putting it that way I should be content just feeling bla right now, but I'm not (content that is). I'm pretty much feeling like my baby sister who only has blogs to look forward to during the day. Ive pretty much read all of yours like 3 times today. I have been working on something fun, that I will announce tomorrow.

Blog on Drugs

I have only one thing on my grocery list right now: thank you cards. Everyone has been so kind, thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

I am feeling happy today just to be alive. As Josh sort of alluded to, I have a strange fear that I am going to stop breathing while on drugs. Maybe because I have seen people do it after surgery, I don't know. I just thought this was probably going to happen to me sometime yesterday. I didn't. But I'm still upset that I was the only one concerned about it. I had to keep checking my pulse, and counting my respirations every time I didn't notice my chest rise and fall. Josh just locked me in my room when I got home. He might as well have left me to die I thought. I didn't nap well or sleep well last night, I had to keep waking myself up to check my breathing pattern. It was awful. I asked Josh to do it for me, so whenever he would move I would quickly hold my breath thinking 'this will teach him not to check up on me' but he never did reach out for me or look at me all night.

We will let everyone know as soon as we find out about the results of the biopsy. I have to say I feel like the cancer is gone, but it could be the drugs talking.

She's Alive!!!!!!

For all who are wondering, Alisa is out of surgery and doing well. The first thing she asked me was "Am I alive." She was nervous about the surgery and so after she kept asking me tell her what her vital signs were, "Am I breathing?" "What's my heart rate?" "Am I alive?" She was riding in the back seat and she said to me, "In case you were wondering, I am still breathing."

The doctor said the surgery went well. He told her to keep her leg straight for two weeks. She quickly asked how she was supposed to walk. It will probably be 2-3 days before we found out the results of the lymph node they took out. They are also going to biopsy another mole that was taken off her back. Another doctor suggested we have it removed at the same time as the leg.

We will keep you all posted on any updates we receive from the doctors. Please stay tuned to our blog, and feel free to send anyone this direction that may be interested.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. We have felt the love from all our friends and family. thank you.

Crazy Eights

I was going to depress you all with some sad stories of the day, including but not limited to a bawling session with the boys on our newly carpeted stairs. If you know Sam, you know it doesn't take more than a tear out of your eye to get him started, and James cries over candy, so maybe I shouldn't feel all that loved. But I did. My boys dont want me to go. Im going to leave it at that and do what Brittany tells me to do-crazy eights.

8 things I'm passionate about
1. my family
2. flowers
3. food
4. mb
5. friends
6. beauty
7. church
8. laundry

8 things i want to do before i die
1. attend my boys wedding
2. grow old with josh
3. holiday at Prince Edward Island
4. get really good at photography
5, buy an old house and live in it forever
6. have a girl, and give her a sister
7. save the orphans in Romania
8. tell everyone in my life how much i love them

8 things i say often
1. What are you doing?
2. LUKE!!
3. Thanks so much
4. We don't cry over something like that!
5. Fine
6. I don't know, ask your uncle Jon
7. 5 people in 1200 square feet is NOT working
8. Turn your face all the way to the camera

8 books Ive recently read
1. harry potter
2. NT
3. ladies #1 detective agency series
4. photography (text book)
5. good night moon
6. pride and prejudice
7. twilight
8. a-z mystery series (with james of course)

8 songs i could listen to over and over
1. home-michael buble
2. life is a highway (i know i could because i do-and not by choice)
3. mystery-indigo girls
4. almost all the songs on the Miracle CD by Celine Dion
5. your beautiful-james blunt
6. everything-michael buble (and as it turns out, everything michael buble)
7. anne of green gables theme song
8. where is the love-celine dion

8 things that attract me to my best friends
1. they make me feel young
2. they don't spend their lives cleaning
3. they make me better
4. they forgive
5. they listen
6. they laugh at me
7. they cry with me
8. they love me

8 things Ive learned this past year
1. 28 years is not enough time
2. i love being a mommy
3. finishing a basement is really annoying
4. life is better when you live by your mom
5. sisters are the best things in the world
6. i have a lot of friends
7. that i have a lot to learn
8. when the cougs win, we all win

8 people i think should do '8'
1. josh
2. brooke
3. vicki
4. mary
5. dad
6. rob
7. jennie
8. matt