supernovae

Just a few words on James' (my six year olds) holiday.

James has been skeptical of Santa for years. Ever since he heard about him. I don't like to lie about said large man. Ive been dealing with the question "is Santa a real person?" by asking him "what do you think?." Or sometimes, "You will know when your older." He would sadly admit "I think I already know."

Here is James at Josh's cousins' Christmas Party (circled in red). He seems to be saying "You think this big guy can fit down your chimney? Impossible!"

This year on Christmas eve we watched Polar Express and by the end we were both confused about our convictions.

We caught him on tape that night, admitting he now believes in Santa. I was so proud of him! Maybe because I could never have said that at age 6, or because it was before he opened all the things on his wish list, or maybe because its just time to believe in good things. I don't know, but it felt triumphant.

On New Years at my in laws we took turns toasting something to 2008. I toasted 'to life' with a wink. James caught right on and got a little somber. He took his time, and asked if everyone was listening (all the while staring at me). He then toasted to what I think we all wanted to say, 'to health.'

That night he sweetly prayed, "please bless ALL the things we toasted to tonight will come true."

Hes not all hope and faith, though.

I was just reading to the boys the book A Pocket Full of Kisses. Its the rather cheesy story of a boy raccoon who is worried about his mom sharing her love and 'kissing hands' with his little brother. He doesn't think she has enough love for the two of them. So in a sentimental moment the mom takes the boy outside, points to the sky, and explains:

"Every night, just before the sun goes down it reaches out with its rays and touches every star in the universe. One by one, the stars light up and shine down upon us. Even on nights we cant see the starts, they're up there sparkling away. No matter how many stars fill the sky, the sun will never run out of light, and its rays will never stop reaching out to them.

Thats the way it is with kissing hands. When somebody loves you, their kisses are like the suns rays-always there and always shining."

James quickly jumped in "yea, until it burns up all its fuel and explodes."

hibernation

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed about blogging my Christmas. So I'm not going to right now. Let me just thank everyone who made it great. It was wonderful.

So my last early morning trip to the hospital was on New Years Eve. I promised myself I would shower that morning and wear something cute so the nurses could see what I used to look like. I didnt because it meant getting up 30 minutes earlier.

But they still love me. After they pulled the PICC line out (good news, the heart palpitations stopped when it came out, so it was doing something crazy to me) they sang me a graduation song which I bawled through. I just couldn't believe they were letting me go (with apparently good reason as I'm suppose to start my shots today and its not going to happen, I think I deserve a few days off). Hanging out with nurses has made me want to be one again. Its not likely, but I can dream.

I have to thank Jennie, Stephanie, Vicki and Cassie for the rides. Good times in that awful place.

Im so ready to wake up. My kids grew a whole month without me. I would crawl out of bed at 4 in the afternoon and Luke would run to me "mommy, you awake!!" Like it was a novelty to see me out of bed.

One of my new years resolutions is to blog more. Lots goes on every day when your awake.

I made it!!
This is a lame picture to match my lame blog. I feel too tired to think.

alisa cancer linton

I suppose Im in the depths of cancer treatments, and its consuming my life. I'm either at the hospital or asleep in my bed. My mom is here living Alisa Linton's life and I have to be Alisa Cancer Linton.

Alisa Cancer Linton wears glasses and frumpy pants. She hasnt had a decent shower in weeks cause she cant get her arm wet. She asks the Dr. to add a little chemo to her daily infusion so she could get really sick which would make her feel like its helping a little more (he laughs it off and tells her not to feel obligated to get all the side effects). She goes to the hospital at 8 and comes home at noon for a 3-4 hour nap and gets ready for bed at 8. She then sits down to blog and decides she needs to sleep more than she needs to communicate with the outside world, and hopes that tomorrow she wont be so exhausted. But every day is the same, maybe a little worse. Today she thrashed around in her husbands car swearing she felt so sick she was going to die (luckily he knows she always feels like something is going terribly wrong so he did not panic) and she threw up just to prove her point. Part of her hopes this is not a trend. The other part acknowledges that she has only lost .7 pounds in two weeks and thinks this could do the trick. She shops Target in the name of exercise, but crashes before she makes it to the back isle.

Luckily there are a few diversions for her. Last night was our family Christmas party. As we dug out the traditional costumes for the nativity brother Matt found a misplaced skull hat and couldnt resisit being the pirate narrator. Mom made him stop, but only after Alisa Cancer got some big laughs. And come on mom, pirates had to tell the story too.

"In the days of Ceasarrrrrrr thar be people who went to their own towns to be plundarrrrrrrred- I mean taxed."


Luke plays a dirty faced shepard.

James plays a wise man.

Josh and Sam play guys watching.

We also had a ward party this week. James and Sam sat on Santas lap and asked for a Jeep Hurricane (thanks Brother Wilden for telling them you were working on the $300 item). I dont think Sam was completely convinced because he informed me last night with a huge smile on his face, "Mommy!! Tonight I asked Jesus for a Jeep Hurricane!"

I wonder how many years it takes them to figure out presents like that come from a lady named Grandma Vicki.

so far, so good

Ive kind of hesitated to report that I'm doing well because the nurses keep telling me its going to get worse. But my symptoms have been so mild! I guess I wont be in the 85% that get fevers and flu-like in the first few weeks. The Dr.s were so kind to describe how awful the first month of treatments were going to be, I never considered my December would be anything but miserable. I suppose its a small miracle that I'm really only feeling tired.

A special thanks to my sister who has been here to watch the kids while Im at the hospital in the mornings, and when I come home for my 3 hour naps. I think she has had a harder week than me. Thanks Sonja!! My mom is taking her place this week, so I should be well taken care of.

Hope your enjoying the snow!

day 2

They didn't mention the dose yesterday was half strength. Today was full strength, but the results weren't horrible. Only a few hours today I felt like a train ran over my head, but I was able to plant some bulbs, clean up the yard, move around with ease, etc. I know it could get worse, but the fact that I haven't had a fever yet is awesome.

I'm just really tired, which might have more to do with the fact that I was up till 3 am listening to my irregular heart beat, ready to call 911 in case I should go into V-Tach. Suddenly I'm not so offended that my nurse practitioner wrote me a Rx for ativan (an anti psychotic drug). I do have issues, and maybe should have taken one last night.

Sonja said a prayer with Sam tonight "Please bless mommy that she wont be sick today, or tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that, or the day after that, all the way up until I'm a daddy."

I guess I mentioned once that after treatments are done I would by the boys a dog. I didn't think Luke would catch on, but in all of his prayers after someone prompts "and please bless mom that she can get better" he repeats it and adds "so then we get a doggy."

you can start feeling bad for me right about......

never? If today was like what the rest of the month is going to be I'm in serious luck. I didn't even feel the PICC line insertion (an IV they put in the arm and thread a catheter close to the heart to give the infusions). My only experience assisting with a central line placement was with a drug addict who could not get enough drug to calm him down and take the pain away. He screamed the whole time, even though I was putting insane amounts of narcotics in him. So I was a little nervous.

I crashed when I got home and felt a little fuzzy, but woke up feeling semi normal. She said it would get worse by the weekend, but I'm very encouraged.

One thing thats worrying me is my constant heart palpitations. I have had several an hour, so I called the Dr. and they will look at it in the morning. They feel horrible, but mostly I don't want them to say they have to stop treatments because of it. Its a very rare side effect. What do you think cardiac nurses?? Could it be the picc line?

I don't mean to bore everyone, this is just a good way of letting people know how Im doing without having to call my mom (although I know she would love a call) or Jana.

Thanks for all your love and concern. I hope this story has a happy ending.

state fair corndogs

This week I haven't been blogging because Ive been busy. My sister Sonja has been here keeping my spirits up and allowing me to get things done I wont feel like doing for the next month. Including: Christmas shopping, getting up the decorations, organizing my basement (many trips to IKEA), girls night out (loved 'Enchanted'), spending time with my boys, I even got to get away for a night with Josh. There hasn't been much time to be worried. Mostly I'm just happy.

I have been keenly aware of the fact that one of the side effects of this drug is anorexia, due to a metallic taste in your mouth. Everyone Ive heard of that did interferon for melanoma had this. Am I sad to loose weight? Of course not. But I think by genetics I'm mildly obsessed with (and take great pleasure in) good food.

So naturally I took a break from my cancer diet this week and opened my mouth to anything that sounded good. If I could have had everything I wanted it would have included:

parmesan chicken from buca di beppo
phoenix chicken from chin wa
grandma washburns rolls
dads baked beans
uncle robs garlic mashed potatoes
lettuce wraps from pf changs
anything Jeanette Darais makes
chocolate cake from gurus
chicken calzonetto from macaroni grill

Wow, maybe this is the saddest post Ive had to write. What would you eat if you were about to hate food for a year? (thanks for the post idea Jennie!)

The fun starts tomorrow!