what do you do?

I have never been bored in my life.

Ive had a job since I was 12. My sister and I babysat full time in the summers, and scraped seams off of freshly poured porcelain statues. I worked at the dry cleaners after school. Tried all things extra curricular (was good at none of them). I was a nurses aid after high school, and started college classes that summer. Studied way too much in college, and would work at the nursing home on the weekends I would come home. I worked 2 jobs when I got my RN license, and started doing photography as soon as I quit at the hospital.

Of course babies make you always busy, which I started having young. Callings have generally kept me busy.

Josh says I need a job again. He thinks I need to be around 'people.' The other day I was driving him crazy with the 'what am I going to do with my life?' crap. I started crying "I know I'm blessed, and lucky, and...alive. I'm just so bored." Which, as you know, means that I'm a boring person.

I asked my kids in private today what their mommy does. "Cleans." Is what they all said. I tried to get them to expand "Well, what does mommy like to do?" "I don't know....clean?"

This response does not come from them looking around and seeing a clean house. Its not because they see me scrubbing the toilets or vacuuming all the time.

The only thing I can figure is its the brain washing. When I get mad and yell, "You know what kids, all I do is clean this house. I clean up after you, and then you make a mess right behind me...." Or there's the old, "You can help me for 10 minutes, I clean every waking hour!" Or maybe I try to reason with them, "You know, if you put your stuff away so mommy doesn't have to spend all her time cleaning, she can go do fun stuff with you" etc.

Its not that I don't have things to do. I realize there is a stack of papers to be filed, a closet to be organized, clothes to be ironed, and dishes to be done around the clock. I just don't get fired up about these things for some reason.

I think I have decided against photography for a while. Too much stress, and way too much time spent on the computer.

Nursing is a big option, although Ive been looking for once a week jobs, and there just aren't any. I think if I get serious about this one I could find something.

I really wanted to volunteer at the Huntsman Cancer Institute, I could head up some awareness campaigns, comfort struggling families, teach them about their disease. But they won't even take cancer patients until they are a year out of treatments. Most likely because we are still emotional wrecks? Or they figure half of us will be dead?

I'm thinking about politics. Maybe I can start volunteering for the city to get my foot in the door.

How can I get to Romania to start saving those orphans living in cribs?

Why am I feeling this way? Is it just mid February general blah?

feline confessions

I think its strange how I don't have one friend who likes cats. I even think all my friends hate them over most any creature. I always told my brothers to "be wary of girls who don't like cats." But now I'm wondering if there are such girls at all (my brothers couldn't find them).

I love them so much. My house didn't feel like home until Winston jumped out of his humane society box onto my kitchen floor and meowed like mad.

We had an incredibly sick family last week with everyone but Josh in bed with the flu. I picked up like the most ridiculous hobby in bed during my on-line reading; the cat classifieds on KSL. They read like a novel. Its a whole new level of lameness, trust me I know. Here are a few fun ones I found:

Big, Handsome, Single Guy Looking For Love!

- Jan 30, 2009

Hi, my name is Tuffins but everybody calls me Tuffy - except my foster mom who insists on calling me 'Tuff Guy'. She's just making a joke, though, because I may look like a 'tough guy' but I'm really just a super sweet, shy bachelor looking for my soul mate!

I'm a very handsome black cat and I lived my entire life with my father, Boots, my sister, Callie, and our very best human friend, Steve. Unfortunately, Steve went off to the hospital and he never came back to us. I was rescued by No More Homeless Pets in Utah and now I'm looking for someone new to love.

I'm seven years old, very healthy, playful, well mannered and affectionate when I get to know you. I love to snuggle in warm laps and gets lots of brushing. I'm a little scared of new people and places so you will have to be patient with me at first. But, of course, all special relationships take a while to develop! I get along with most other cats, especially my dad, Boots, who is also looking for his forever home, but could be your only love. So if you're looking for a loyal, devoted friend, I'm just waiting to go home with you!

Absolutely Gorgeous Shaved like a lion. Declawed & Neutered Male Cat

- Jan 29, 2009

Free,PLEASE help give him a new home so he doesn't have to go to the shelter(Last Resort)! He is a great cat, behaves very well, great manners, awesome with children, lets my little girl play with him to her hearts content. I wish i didn't have to get rid of him but we are in an apartment. Thought i could get away with it but the landlord found out. I have two weeks to find him a new home so if your interested please let me know! He is gorgeous! Blue eyes, he is a long haired but i didn't want him to shed so we shaved him like a lion so indoors is a MUST! He is Declawed and Neutered.

Whitey

- Jan 28, 2009

male, neutered, 3 years old,very lovable, especially towards men, black and white long hair, has lots of love to give.

Hi My name is Shoesaw I'm a female and I'm declawed and neutered. I'm an indoor cat. I'm up to date on all my shots.I'm loveing and like to be brushed and take baths.

Stewart-Beautiful Boy- Sweet ( most of the time!) $75

- Jan 26, 2009

Hi,my name is Stewart.I am a beautiful Black and White Single Male. I was rescued on the last day(on euthanasia list.) So lucky for me I'm still around. I need a home. Preferably the mature, advanced cat owner is best, NO small children, or other pets especially Cats please! I do best on my own. I am fully Vaccinated & Healthy. I am Neutered. I am a real stinker sometimes. I don't need to cuddle. If your independent, that works good for me. My rescuer CANNOT be liable for any damage I may inflict on my new owner..(I like to play rough) .. Stewart

photogenic

I have been at the hospital today getting my routine scan from head to toe. Lets just say there has been some mild to severe anxiety as this day approached.

I called the nurse for the results just now and she said, "Hi, you look great on film!"

"What......do you mean by that?"

"There is no evidence of metastasis anywhere. Nothing at all."

Yea!!! I am so lucky.

clean slate

I'm finally admitting that I'm just not going to get this out to my family and friends during the holiday season (it being late January).

I laugh at the time I had just finished with treatment and I got up and bore my testimony in Sacrament meeting on how great it was to have a clean slate. I felt (and do feel) I had the perfect excuse/reason for changing anything without a hit to my pride. You know I could suddenly be this perfect neighbor, most patient mom, thoughtful friend. I could quit working, start sewing, cook mostly veggies, do yoga at dawn, move to the country and raise chickens. All with everyone's blessing. They would smile to themselves as I walked to the park holding my cat in a wide brimmed hat smothered in flowers from the front yard, and humming a happy heartfelt tune. "Oh, her? She had cancer," they would tell their inquisitive friends on the front porch with and adoring sigh.

I'm still waiting to be her.

I cant even get a Christmas card out on time (okay maybe at all). I guess when you remove all my expectations, my past and future, I keep to myself and read novels. I only serve when there is a sign up sheet from the relief society. I wear frumpy clothes because I cant fit into my jeans because I keep eating because I don't want to scrub the bathrooms. AND because there is chocolate in the house.

So if you see me running to the park to get my kindergartener to the bus at noon and I have creases in my face from my two hour nap and yesterdays mascara, can you just smile to yourself and expain to others, "Oh her? She had cancer."

birthday wish

I had my first surprise birthday party tonight in which I walked in wearing a bright purple over-sized Sego Lily elementary sweatshirt and a very mean face. Lets just say I didn't pull if off gracefully.

Why would Josh let me change out of my (ironically) forever 21 skirt I bought yesterday? And more importantly why would I care what I was wearing as it was just my family and my three friends? I would never have thought people in the 30s could be immature like that. Of course I never would have guessed you could get zits at this age either. Little did I know.

I blew out the candles wondering if the rule was I can't wish for any more wishes or I cant wish for any more birthdays.

ginger's first christmas

Our Christmas has been lovely. The snow won't quite dumping, making Christmas seem so real and right here. The world really does seem calm and bright wrapped in a fluffy white blanket.

Ginger loves the snow, but we do not appreciate the boots she drags in.

After all the presents were opened and played with, and the Christmas party was over, Sam said, "I wish it went: Saturday. Sunday, Christmas,.....Saturday, Sunday, Christmas..."

things just work out after all

Things have been good lately.

One year ago I was saying to myself "one year ago I was so happy, so healthy, so busy....etc." I couldn't believe how different things were. Heck, last fall I had a disgusting tube sticking out of my leg draining disgusting fluid-I think for six weeks. So gross! And then a month of a tube in my arm. No baths. Even grosser!

Now I'm saying, "one year ago I was so depressed, so sick, there was nothing but hospital visits on my calendar...etc." I cant believe how different things are today.

I am in a way better place.

I went back to the hospital last month for a routine exam. I think I would have been fine if it wasn't snowing. That's what it did I swear every day I traveled to Salt Lake last December. It played tricks on my mind that I was about to get sick and tired. I pretty much had a panic attack while in the waiting room, and came home and slept all afternoon. Just like last year.

My Dr. said to take 2 ativan when I come in for my next scheduled scans in February. Thank you, I think I will.

So here is a small video I made for my family film festival. I did it in a rush and couldn't find a lot of my footage from the year (like Luke's 3rd birthday where he was incredibly adorable), but anyway this songs always tops the most played on my ipod. LOVE it!