luck

This week has brought me my first episode of 'survivors guilt'.

I have been following Linda's blog since I was diagnosed. She is a 35 year old mother. Her mole was on her knee, kept getting bumped and bleeding. The timetable of diagnosis and surgeries were almost identical to mine. She had 5 lymph nodes involved, where I had 3. She did interferon, and developed lymphedema in her leg. She rode the same emotional roller coaster Ive been begging to get off of. So many similarities.

But her cancer came back. And last week it took her life.

I try to understand this.

I watched a documentary on WWII veterans, and one was a leader of my church, Boyd K. Packer, who talked about how soldiers all around were dying, and soldiers right next to them living. He thought there was a certain amount of 'randomness' when it came to who survived.

I know I have been so lucky so far. I know Lindas journey could have just as easily been mine.

It humbles me. It saddens me. It reminds me. It inspires me. It creeps me out.

when you read this post humor me and say 'slash' in your head when you see the /. i love it when people talk this way. stephanie/fugal?

8 years ago today life blessed me/the world with James/my first born.

I could blog/brag about him all day, but that would be boring for you/time consuming for me.

Recently though, we took him to be tested for an accelerated program in our school district. We of course had told him how great he would do/how easy it would be for him to get in. As I stood in line that morning I started having my doubts/regrets. There were what seemed like hundreds of kids cramming in geography/math books with their well-put-together parents hovering over them. We finally got the table with folders that contained their bubble sheets/instructions. Linton was in the middle of names such as Wang/Lee/Chu/Chen. You get the picture/problem.

As we walked to his classroom I suddenly panicked and nervously/discreetly laughed the whole thing off. "You know James, this is really just about having...fun/enjoying your time. And...trying to do your best. That's all, just like a little game. It will most likely be pretty hard, so no pressure!

After 4 hours/all morning of filling in A/B/C/D and writing essays....It was a highly anticipated/hilarious reunion (for me).

"How did it go James?"
"Oh..." He says disappointed. "Okay."
I look at him all sorry-that-I'm-pushing-my-child-and-making-him-feel-inferior-ish/embarrassed-to-think-he-was-above-average-ish.
He looked down. "But...I think I missed 3 questions."

Love you James!!One of my favorite conversations with James was age 4 while eating lunch/high tea. "Mom, where was I born?" "In Provo." "Oh! Provo!....Well then where did I grow up?"

...

This week, it has been cold here as winter struggles to...be.

This week though, the crocuses came out boldly (but in their tiny way). Dormant season is almost over and life is...waiting.

It is exactly how Ive been feeling...

This week, there has also been running. For the first time in I don't know how long, I felt like intead of walking the track-running it. Running away from whatever has been holding me back. Insecurities. Fatigue. Wrinkles. Laundry. Guilt. Swollen leg. Reality. With my legs pounding to Coldplays steady rhythm, I started. And for two glorious laps I ran my heart out.

Oh well, you have to start somewhere.

This week, there has been planning. Like-for the FUTURE. Ive looked into going back to school. Doing something long-term.

I havent thought this way since diagnosis.

This week, there has a great deal of waking up early and not so many naps.

Energy level high, all around.

This week there has been...hope. Huge amounts.

...the rest is still unwritten.

dir dad

In primary today Sam was given a little love note to write and put in his dads shoes as a surprise. "I even know what shoes he is wearing tomorrow!"

Sam was devastated when Josh got a hold of it and read it on the way out the door.

Just now, on a bike ride in the dark with Sam, I was praising his recent advancements in reading (it didn't come exactly natural to him). He beamed and bragged he even wrote a letter on his own today.

"Oh?" asks I.

"Yes. When dad found my surprise note, I wrote him another one and put it on his pillow."

"How sweet! What did it say?!"

"Dear Dad,
I hate you.
Hate,
Sam"

vacation clarification

People have been asking Josh about his upcoming trip. He is, however, not going. Not because I don't love him. But this is a girl thing. I'm going with my cousin, and staying with another cousin. They are fun, fabulous, and feminine.

On a car ride home this week we started playing 20 questions. Luke spat out the rules, "Okay, it can either be a Star Wars guy, a place, or a thing."

'It' was always a Star wars guy.

I found the most adorable puffed sleeve jacket today that does nothing to suggest the truth: I live in a house full of boys.

forget the orphans....

How about a self-indulgent trip to Paris this spring?

I used the adrenaline from my ticket purchase to clean my entire house.

what do you do?

I have never been bored in my life.

Ive had a job since I was 12. My sister and I babysat full time in the summers, and scraped seams off of freshly poured porcelain statues. I worked at the dry cleaners after school. Tried all things extra curricular (was good at none of them). I was a nurses aid after high school, and started college classes that summer. Studied way too much in college, and would work at the nursing home on the weekends I would come home. I worked 2 jobs when I got my RN license, and started doing photography as soon as I quit at the hospital.

Of course babies make you always busy, which I started having young. Callings have generally kept me busy.

Josh says I need a job again. He thinks I need to be around 'people.' The other day I was driving him crazy with the 'what am I going to do with my life?' crap. I started crying "I know I'm blessed, and lucky, and...alive. I'm just so bored." Which, as you know, means that I'm a boring person.

I asked my kids in private today what their mommy does. "Cleans." Is what they all said. I tried to get them to expand "Well, what does mommy like to do?" "I don't know....clean?"

This response does not come from them looking around and seeing a clean house. Its not because they see me scrubbing the toilets or vacuuming all the time.

The only thing I can figure is its the brain washing. When I get mad and yell, "You know what kids, all I do is clean this house. I clean up after you, and then you make a mess right behind me...." Or there's the old, "You can help me for 10 minutes, I clean every waking hour!" Or maybe I try to reason with them, "You know, if you put your stuff away so mommy doesn't have to spend all her time cleaning, she can go do fun stuff with you" etc.

Its not that I don't have things to do. I realize there is a stack of papers to be filed, a closet to be organized, clothes to be ironed, and dishes to be done around the clock. I just don't get fired up about these things for some reason.

I think I have decided against photography for a while. Too much stress, and way too much time spent on the computer.

Nursing is a big option, although Ive been looking for once a week jobs, and there just aren't any. I think if I get serious about this one I could find something.

I really wanted to volunteer at the Huntsman Cancer Institute, I could head up some awareness campaigns, comfort struggling families, teach them about their disease. But they won't even take cancer patients until they are a year out of treatments. Most likely because we are still emotional wrecks? Or they figure half of us will be dead?

I'm thinking about politics. Maybe I can start volunteering for the city to get my foot in the door.

How can I get to Romania to start saving those orphans living in cribs?

Why am I feeling this way? Is it just mid February general blah?