Tuesday, April 29, 2008

scan results

Just wanted to let you know that the MRI of my liver came back uneventful. The spot, the Dr. said is "not acting malignant." They will rescan in 3 months to be triple sure. This had taken a big fat maybe out of my summer plans.

I thought today while I sat for an hour in the hospital, anxiously waiting for my results. So if they say its not cancer I will be thanking and praising God. What if it is? If a blessing we contribute to God, what about a curse? Is my love for Him conditional on my condition?

I haven't had much energy to think this through, I just decided that His hand in my life has been great so far, and what he chooses for me will all work out. This is especially easy to say after clean scans.

If Gods in all the details, what should I make of only 50% of my tulips blooming this year? I guess Hes with the Dr.s on this one.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Chapter 1 Grandpa Johnson

among other things, my grandpa is drop dead gorgeous

I have had a couple rough nights this week after I found out my grandpa was put in the hospital. He is home now, recovering. I guess I cant help but think that at some point (hopefully not soon) he will succumb to the inevitable. It stings now maybe because when I loose him the pain of loosing my grandma will surface and double. He is not only a great man himself, but a link to my grandma. When I'm with him he is always reminding me of her great selfless life.

I'm very grateful that since my diagnosis grandpa will talk frankly about life, death, love and loss with me. No one else will hear me talk like that. I really appreciate it. We wondered together which of us would make it back to grandma first to send her the others love.

Grandpa said when we get there (heaven of course) nothing will matter but your family. You can try to please others but your family will be the ones that will be important to you in the end.
Grandpa your family will love you to the end. Your relationships with me means the world. You have always been kind, thoughtful, and dang funny!

When I blogged about reading other peoples stories with cancer, and feeling envious they had outlets for their anger I couldn't use, immediately I got an email from my grandpa (born and raised in Beaver Dam, a small town in Cache Valley). I copy it here so you get a taste of what a hilarious person he is.


I just read your blog about your jealousy of those who
can drink and swear. I don't think I can help you out
with the drinking but I surely can on the swearing.

In naming an article you needn't use two words but can
just use one. This is the case with the names of towns
also. With Beaver Dam, you can get buy just using the
latter word.

Instead of using the normal non swearing phrase of
gosh awful, I have freedom to use just Dam when it
comes to referring to my place of birth. I have
extended this principle to naming my place of birth
instead of beaver dam I feel very justified with just
using Dam.

Typically this right to edit the name of this town is
only for those living or born in Beaver Dam but the
privilegeof editing the name of this town has been
extended to you through the inheritance of your

We hope the use of this word will help give you the
feeling that you can selectively and emphatically
employ the words of your non member friends.

Sure love you and you are in my prayers continuously.

love Grandpa Johnson

I was in tears when I read it. I dont know if they were from laughing or from feeling that my grandpa loves me deeply. It was so thoughtful, and fulfilled a real need. I said through the tears "Thats the best Dam advice anyone has given me!" I've edited the towns name when nothing else can describe how I'm feeling. Thank you for the Dam gift grandpa!

I would love to hear some funny things grandpa has said to you, it seems like every time I'm with him there is something to laugh about.

Grandpa has lived a wonderful life. I know grandpa is a lot of things to a lot of people. People might know him as a great dentist, a true friend, a smart businessman, a great horseman, a funny uncle, a faithful saint. The list would of course go on. But to me he is my beloved grandpa.
I love you grandpa "right past outer space" (as Sam would say) .

The pain of death and sickness is deep, but love is deeper, stronger, and permanent.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

what not to name your dog

Wow, its been a crazy couple weeks. My parents have been in town and its forced me to leave the house. Now I'm tired and my pea seeds in the ground, so I wont be doing much for a few days.

I am feeling good lately though. My biggest complaint is that I feel really stupid and slow. I'm hoping this 'brain fog' as they call it isn't going to be permanent.

Yesterday Sam told me, "Mom, your famous for forgetting things." Great.

I have had a hard time with with my moms' dogs' name, Babe (we have her for another month) . Since this is what Josh and I call each other, its made for a few awkward moments. Like I said, Im a little slow, so I get very offended when I hear Josh say things like:

"Babe, get off of my bed!!" or "I hate your hair Babe!" or "Get away from me, Babe." "Sit Babe." "Babe, stay in the kitchen." "You smell bad Babe, time for a bath."

Luke hugs Babe (and yes, thats a booger by his nose, artificially colored food on his chin, and a black eye).