Wednesday, March 26, 2008

the results.

They think everything looks good. There is one spot on my liver that has grown a little. Although they don't think its melanoma, they want to make sure so I will get an MRI in a month to see if it has changed.

I took it all as really good news. I hope this is what I hear every 6 months.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

i draw the line at the easter bunny

Come on, a big fluffy bunny hiding eggs you yourself dyed the day before? What are the odds? Ill let my kids decide on Santa, but the elusive rabbit will get no plugs from me. I think someones just trying to sell their peanut butter cups.

Its working, Ive eaten a whole bag in two days.

We had a lovely Easter weekend. Just bumming around soaking up sunshine.

Monday I had my 6 months scan. The radiology tech asked what I was "in for." When I said melanoma he gave my sunburned face a disappointing look. It was cold! We weren't thinking about sun block.

I get the results tomorrow. I think they will say everything is fine and the cancer is not back. But since I cant be sure Ive been studying up on my stage IV melanoma options. They are not so good.

But there is a cure, so I'm not scared. Jesus has already cured my cancer, and yours. I just wish you didn't have to die first.

I will be better. I'm glad I know this.
Luke's first egg of the hunt.

Friday, March 21, 2008

no comment

Last night I wondered with Josh over the fact that I only had one or two comments on my last few posts. I thought everyone was sick of hearing about my cancer. Even my faithful commenters (Jennie, Buffy, Kathy, my mom) weren't saying a thing to me. Not that I blog for the comments, or think you should have to comment, I guess was just getting used to you all cheering for me (and if you have read A New Earth you will be screaming "EGO!").

Well I found a bunch of comments in my spam. It was a relief. I also broke down and listened to the 92 messages on my home phone.

Here are a few pictures taken before the haircut. It took 50 shots to get a few good ones. I will take some after shots as soon as my massive cold sore is gone.

A shamelessly touched up picture.

All that pretty brown hair!

Happy me.

My favorite picture of the night, when Luke got out of bed .

Possible obituary picture?

Sunday, March 16, 2008


Sorry I left my blog on a bad note for such a long time. It seems I'm using this to vent, which makes it awful to read. I need to share my good emotions because they far outweigh the bad.

This past week I:


-Got released from my young womens calling. I'm going to miss those girls like crazy. It was a sad day.

-Cut my hair. All the research says the hair wont fall out completely like with chemo, just thin a lot. It feels thicker now that its short. I'm happy with it.

-Bought tickets to see my sister in Ohio and left the next day. This is where I sit right now. I love the Midwest. Its pretty even in March.

-Shopped at a Cincinnati Gap clearance center. Averaged $3 and item. Most fun Ive had in a long time.

-Started reading three different books: A New Earth (very interesting and humbling. lots of truth, some error.), Alice in Wonderland (not sure about this one yet, it seems so silly.), and the Analects by Confucius (Im interested in this guy after reading A New Earth).

This week will take me home. I love it there.

Friday, March 7, 2008


Lately Ive been feeling like I'm going to have a long life after all. God wouldn't possibly take me away now as imperfect as Ive been acting the last few days.

Ive been (among other things).......

Frustrated. At the two year old. Oh, hes not having accidents. Quite the opposite. He pees every 15 minutes. The first day it was songs and smiles and high fives. But today I growl at him every time he goes.

He has been in his room throwing tantrums all involving the Lucky Charms that I bought in a moment of weakness. He gets everything he wants. If its not his toy I make who ever it is share it with him (often making up a scriptural reference about sharing with your brothers). If its his toy, he gets it cause its his.

He does have these gorgeous brown eyes though, and sweet little voice. Also a really loud cry. I sometimes look at him and think 'I have literally created a monster.'

Even now I'm blaming his bad behavior on my parenting skills. Nice.

Vain. Although I shouldn't care, there is something very humiliating about loosing my hair. Every handful I pull out reminds me I'm just not normal. And also that I am just a normal cancer patient.

Angry. I don't know exactly at what , but I know at who. How can you stand me Josh? He even sent me tulips and when I read the attached card ('I love you') I thought 'is that all you can say to your dying wife?' Evil!!

Lazy. Since my last post I have not accomplished one thing. Maybe Ive vacuumed, but only because the lucky charms were spilled and my thinning hair was getting stuck to my feet (yuck).

Unfaithful. To a very dear relationship Ive maintained all my life. I have lost my passion for food! Love songs have a new meaning and make me cry. Pathetic!!

Jealous. Of everyones legs. Of everyones health. Of everyones hair. Of everyone who lives in California. Of everyone thats pregnant (especially with a girl).

Damnable. For not only having all these feelings, but having them all in the same hour. Look, I know there is a sweet girl somewhere inside me, but shes having a heck of time showing her face. I just need more time to rid myself of this 'natural man.'

As I lay on my bed fuming today Sam wondered what I was doing. "Just securing my place on earth, Sam." I don't want to be too angelic or Id fit right in to places I'm not ready to go.