Friday, March 7, 2008

evil

Lately Ive been feeling like I'm going to have a long life after all. God wouldn't possibly take me away now as imperfect as Ive been acting the last few days.

Ive been (among other things).......

Frustrated. At the two year old. Oh, hes not having accidents. Quite the opposite. He pees every 15 minutes. The first day it was songs and smiles and high fives. But today I growl at him every time he goes.

He has been in his room throwing tantrums all involving the Lucky Charms that I bought in a moment of weakness. He gets everything he wants. If its not his toy I make who ever it is share it with him (often making up a scriptural reference about sharing with your brothers). If its his toy, he gets it cause its his.

He does have these gorgeous brown eyes though, and sweet little voice. Also a really loud cry. I sometimes look at him and think 'I have literally created a monster.'

Even now I'm blaming his bad behavior on my parenting skills. Nice.

Vain. Although I shouldn't care, there is something very humiliating about loosing my hair. Every handful I pull out reminds me I'm just not normal. And also that I am just a normal cancer patient.

Angry. I don't know exactly at what , but I know at who. How can you stand me Josh? He even sent me tulips and when I read the attached card ('I love you') I thought 'is that all you can say to your dying wife?' Evil!!

Lazy. Since my last post I have not accomplished one thing. Maybe Ive vacuumed, but only because the lucky charms were spilled and my thinning hair was getting stuck to my feet (yuck).

Unfaithful. To a very dear relationship Ive maintained all my life. I have lost my passion for food! Love songs have a new meaning and make me cry. Pathetic!!

Jealous. Of everyones legs. Of everyones health. Of everyones hair. Of everyone who lives in California. Of everyone thats pregnant (especially with a girl).

Damnable. For not only having all these feelings, but having them all in the same hour. Look, I know there is a sweet girl somewhere inside me, but shes having a heck of time showing her face. I just need more time to rid myself of this 'natural man.'

As I lay on my bed fuming today Sam wondered what I was doing. "Just securing my place on earth, Sam." I don't want to be too angelic or Id fit right in to places I'm not ready to go.

15 comments:

suzanne campbell said...

Do you want to hear that you are so incredibly normal to have these feelings?Which you are or you can blame it all on the stuff you are pouring into your body? Which it is most of all this too will pass and you will look back and smile and be glad that it is over. However you must keep all the stuff and write a book you just have an amazing way of expressing yourself and it will really help others not that you are thinking of that right now. Heavenly Father loves you whatever your feelings and is strengthening you even when you are not sure that he is. Remember you are loved and we are praying for you love Suzanne

Tiffany said...

Alisa,
I went to get a haircut the other day. The (young) women in front of me was wearing a beanie. In my mind I was thinking, "oh, she must be having a bad hair day." Well to my surprise it was more than that. She was going through her second bout of cancer and was getting her hair shaved off. She said she couldn't just watch it all fall out again. In my mind again "what an idiot I am." After her haircut (shave) she came out and asked me if I wanted a haircut like hers. I told her no thank you, wished her luck and told her she was pretty enough to handle the no hair thing. I don't know if this will be any consolation to you, but YOU are pretty enough to handle the no hair thing!! Also, other people I have known who have lost all of their hair, say it grows in even better the second time!
Am I just annoying you with all of this optimism? I hope not.
It is done out of love.

Mary said...

I'm happy to know that you are a normal person! XOXOXO

alisa said...

Tiffany, you are so right. I shouldnt sit around and watch it fall. I am cutting it off ASAP.

Jamie said...

Alisa - You are feisty- that is what makes me love you, what brought us together in Mexico and what will help you get through this yuck (is there a better word? probably, but I am trying to watch my mouth).
If you want a tropical get away to Paradise, let me know =) I think Casa Magna, Cancun would be better though.
Hang in there, I have most of those feelings on a regular day and I don't have cancer. My 2 year old is temper-tantrum, potty-training nightmare too!

Jill said...

Are you taking any vitamins?

When we first got to Chile I started loosing hair. "just a normal shed" I said. It kept going, then I remembered I had forgotten to bring my multi vitamins, the big jar from Costco. When I went home I retrieved it, and I was amazed after a couple of weeks, I was not only NOT loosing hair, I was growing new "baby" hair underneath. Especially if you're not feeling an appetite, take lots of vitamins, and I think a hair cut will be a nice change for you!

lou said...

Alisa, I'm not even in a predicament a hundredth as bad as yours, and I'm just as evil, if that makes you feel better.

All about the Benjamin's said...

Alisa-
I do not blame you for feeling angry, jelous, etc. I think most of us who face heavy trials go through this, in your case it is hard to understand why such a beautiful, young, brilliant, wonderful wife & mother has to go through this. As I have just endured a 6th pregnancy and my 4th loss to a child I have gone through the steps of not so much wondering why me, but why again: I have 2 beautiful little girls and want more children so badly and for some reason it is not working out for me, I thought I learned something from the first stillborn son I had but then it happened again and again?? So, then I do ask why? What did I do? What am I supposed to be learning? This is not fair etc... As I struggle through my trial I find in my heart that maybe my trial is not for me, maybe I am teaching other's.. I know that does not make it better, I am going to be a better person and as Sister Hinckley says in her book Small & Simple Things: "Each of us can ask ourselves each morning. "What can I do to make life happier for someone today"?
So, Alisa; what could I do for you?? I know that Josh loves you so much and appreciated your dedication & hard work. And as for Luke- he is "your baby", I have done this with my 2 year old as well.
I know you do not want to be the teacher in your trial, when I read your blog it gives me such a great perspective of the things in my life, I know your probably saying to my post; blah blah blah, I do not want to be the example for other's.. You are! Thanks for your honesty once more & as for the hair, your beautiful NO matter what.
My thoughts & prayers are with you and your family always!!

jennie said...

Um... do you want my hair? You can have it. I had it dyed 3 times yesterday in efforts to rid it of the terrible ORANGE color it has become. My brother in law referred to me as the Calico cat. We'd be quite the pair, you and I.

xoxo

Jewel said...

Emotions (yours and mine) do come in every color. Even black, gray and green.
Since I know that your family read Tuesdays With Morrie this year, I thought I'd share a conversation of his that stood out to me. I have used this tactic when frustrated with the kids and need to use it more.

"I'm wondering how you don't envy younger, healthier people."
"Oh, I guess I do...I envy them being able to go to the health club, or go for a swim. Or dance. Mostly for dancing. But envy comes to me, I feel it, and then I let it go. Remember what I said about detachment? Let it go. Tell yourself, 'That's envy. I'm going to seperate from it now.' and walk away." (p.119)

I'm sure the bad moment of that day has passed, but the roller coaster ride of life will keep rollin. Let's all hope for more yellow sunshiney days huh.

Brooke said...

Alisa,
You are dealing with sooooo much - I am sure your feelings are totally normal. I am sorry you're having a rough week. Sorry we didn't call yesterday for James' bday. My kids are going to be mad at me when they realize we never called. We had planned on it and it got too late. Hard to believe he is 7. Give them all a hug for us. Hang in there:)

Whatsatoomzaletson said...

I love your straight up posts. you are gorgeous!

IAmTheWalrus said...

Alisa - don't get so down on yourself! Your feelings are normal for someone in your situation. Castigating yourself will not make them go away. Just understand them. Every day is new, no matter how many of few we have. Actually, none of us knows the number, I guess.

Best wishes to you and Josh and family. Buffy saw Brandon in Yuma this week and he sends his best also.

P.S. I think you'd look pretty chic in a beret! Or maybe an Indiana Jones fedora. Go nuts with it. It may be the thing that keeps you from going crazy. :)

The Christen's Comings and Goings said...

Alisa,
I'm Tricia's friend with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I have to say that I was devastated when I found out that I had to lose my hair. I thought I was going to cry for days. I had ordered a wig but had to go through about two weeks of losing my hair everywhere in the shower, in the car, on my sheets. But when I bucked up and had my husband cut it. I didn't cry, I felt relief like the hair no longer had control over me. It was hard not having hair for a while because wigs are hot but I loved the ease of my wig. It took me about five minutes to shower with no hair and it takes about five minutes to style it the way you want. My hair started growing back about a month after chemo-very itchy at first. Though, it took about two months of growth before I was ready to show it off. I understand about the jealous of those pregnant especially with girls since I have two boys. I have resumed menstration and six months after I finish my 18 month rounds of drugs, I can try to have kids again. I hope that it will work. I think one thing that God is trying to teach me out of this is patience. I've definitely felt jealous of those that are healthy and that have hair. Even now I have bouts of hair envy, but then I realize how blessed I am to have any. I know it's hard when you feel lazy like you're not getting things done but I think part of that is letting go, being humble and letting others help.
Suzanne
I hope this helped.

Camille said...

Alisa--thank you for being so NORMAL. It makes me think I might have a chance...

Think of you often,
love,
Camille Goldy