Lately Ive been feeling like I'm going to have a long life after all. God wouldn't possibly take me away now as imperfect as Ive been acting the last few days.
Ive been (among other things).......
Frustrated. At the two year old. Oh, hes not having accidents. Quite the opposite. He pees every 15 minutes. The first day it was songs and smiles and high fives. But today I growl at him every time he goes.
He has been in his room throwing tantrums all involving the Lucky Charms that I bought in a moment of weakness. He gets everything he wants. If its not his toy I make who ever it is share it with him (often making up a scriptural reference about sharing with your brothers). If its his toy, he gets it cause its his.
He does have these gorgeous brown eyes though, and sweet little voice. Also a really loud cry. I sometimes look at him and think 'I have literally created a monster.'
Even now I'm blaming his bad behavior on my parenting skills. Nice.
Vain. Although I shouldn't care, there is something very humiliating about loosing my hair. Every handful I pull out reminds me I'm just not normal. And also that I am just a normal cancer patient.
Angry. I don't know exactly at what , but I know at who. How can you stand me Josh? He even sent me tulips and when I read the attached card ('I love you') I thought 'is that all you can say to your dying wife?' Evil!!
Lazy. Since my last post I have not accomplished one thing. Maybe Ive vacuumed, but only because the lucky charms were spilled and my thinning hair was getting stuck to my feet (yuck).
Unfaithful. To a very dear relationship Ive maintained all my life. I have lost my passion for food! Love songs have a new meaning and make me cry. Pathetic!!
Jealous. Of everyones legs. Of everyones health. Of everyones hair. Of everyone who lives in California. Of everyone thats pregnant (especially with a girl).
Damnable. For not only having all these feelings, but having them all in the same hour. Look, I know there is a sweet girl somewhere inside me, but shes having a heck of time showing her face. I just need more time to rid myself of this 'natural man.'
As I lay on my bed fuming today Sam wondered what I was doing. "Just securing my place on earth, Sam." I don't want to be too angelic or Id fit right in to places I'm not ready to go.