Sunday, January 25, 2009

clean slate

I'm finally admitting that I'm just not going to get this out to my family and friends during the holiday season (it being late January).

I laugh at the time I had just finished with treatment and I got up and bore my testimony in Sacrament meeting on how great it was to have a clean slate. I felt (and do feel) I had the perfect excuse/reason for changing anything without a hit to my pride. You know I could suddenly be this perfect neighbor, most patient mom, thoughtful friend. I could quit working, start sewing, cook mostly veggies, do yoga at dawn, move to the country and raise chickens. All with everyone's blessing. They would smile to themselves as I walked to the park holding my cat in a wide brimmed hat smothered in flowers from the front yard, and humming a happy heartfelt tune. "Oh, her? She had cancer," they would tell their inquisitive friends on the front porch with and adoring sigh.

I'm still waiting to be her.

I cant even get a Christmas card out on time (okay maybe at all). I guess when you remove all my expectations, my past and future, I keep to myself and read novels. I only serve when there is a sign up sheet from the relief society. I wear frumpy clothes because I cant fit into my jeans because I keep eating because I don't want to scrub the bathrooms. AND because there is chocolate in the house.

So if you see me running to the park to get my kindergartener to the bus at noon and I have creases in my face from my two hour nap and yesterdays mascara, can you just smile to yourself and expain to others, "Oh her? She had cancer."

Sunday, January 18, 2009

birthday wish

I had my first surprise birthday party tonight in which I walked in wearing a bright purple over-sized Sego Lily elementary sweatshirt and a very mean face. Lets just say I didn't pull if off gracefully.

Why would Josh let me change out of my (ironically) forever 21 skirt I bought yesterday? And more importantly why would I care what I was wearing as it was just my family and my three friends? I would never have thought people in the 30s could be immature like that. Of course I never would have guessed you could get zits at this age either. Little did I know.

I blew out the candles wondering if the rule was I can't wish for any more wishes or I cant wish for any more birthdays.