Sunday, January 25, 2009

clean slate



I'm finally admitting that I'm just not going to get this out to my family and friends during the holiday season (it being late January).

I laugh at the time I had just finished with treatment and I got up and bore my testimony in Sacrament meeting on how great it was to have a clean slate. I felt (and do feel) I had the perfect excuse/reason for changing anything without a hit to my pride. You know I could suddenly be this perfect neighbor, most patient mom, thoughtful friend. I could quit working, start sewing, cook mostly veggies, do yoga at dawn, move to the country and raise chickens. All with everyone's blessing. They would smile to themselves as I walked to the park holding my cat in a wide brimmed hat smothered in flowers from the front yard, and humming a happy heartfelt tune. "Oh, her? She had cancer," they would tell their inquisitive friends on the front porch with and adoring sigh.

I'm still waiting to be her.

I cant even get a Christmas card out on time (okay maybe at all). I guess when you remove all my expectations, my past and future, I keep to myself and read novels. I only serve when there is a sign up sheet from the relief society. I wear frumpy clothes because I cant fit into my jeans because I keep eating because I don't want to scrub the bathrooms. AND because there is chocolate in the house.

So if you see me running to the park to get my kindergartener to the bus at noon and I have creases in my face from my two hour nap and yesterdays mascara, can you just smile to yourself and expain to others, "Oh her? She had cancer."

30 comments:

Tricia said...

What an awesome family pictures!!! Don't let things get you down because you are such an awesome person. Satan uses discouragement as a wonderful tool against mothers.

ronco said...

Alisa, you are so on the ball. This is the earliest I've ever gotten a Christmas card—eleven full months before! Keep up the good work.

Sonja said...

I don't care if you had cancer or not--with weather like we've had, what better thing is there to do than to read novels and take naps?

Roger and Kelli Proctor said...

I think you look perfect, and you are perfect! I LOVE the family pic, you all look great!

Rod and Kandace said...

I love to read your posts...you are a talented writer.

Jill said...

Wonderful picture! I love all the colors together. Better late than never right!

SSBenjamins said...

Alisa,
YOU look GREAT! Your so beautiful, your family is AMAZING. I know you have been through a lot and I cannot even imagine how much- just know how many people LOVE you and Josh and would do anything for you, your a fighter and your a great one for that matter. Keep it up..

AnneMarie said...

I wish I looked as good as you do in yesterday's mascara! I think you are amazing.

alisa said...

You all understand I use photo shop right?

bradnlisa said...

I'm only suffering from that seasonal mood disorder because it's January (self-diagnosed of course) and all I do is read novels and eat brownies. Cheers!

Mandy said...

You are beautiful, and you have a darling family! Reading novels and taking naps are the two best things in the world. Do what makes you happy!
Oh, and Happy Birthday! You don't look a day over 29!

Karlet said...

Beautifully written! Thanks for all your help, Alisa, I don't know what I'd do without you.

Tiffany said...

Alisa,
I just have to say that my favorite word in your whole entire post is "HAD." You "HAD" cancer, it is gone! POWERFUL I tell you!!
You have a beautiful family!

Brooke said...

I love Ronco's comment - the earliest Christmas card ever! Hey, you must know I didn't even try to do cards this year and don't have a family photo of the five of us yet. And January has thus far been depressing . . . I am about to eat a brownie right now!! Here's to being in survival mode:)

Bryanna said...

I really like your family picture

mamabear said...

There's only so much you can do with photo shop and I agree that you are a talented...... well I could put just about anything here, but for today- writer.

rachel said...

What a cute family picture!!!

Janice said...

It never ceases to amaze me how hard women are on themselves. From the outside looking in, I'd say that if you read books you're growing and learning. If you take naps, you're releaving stress and maintaining health. If you serve when there's a sign-up sheet in Relief Society, you're doing more than most people and all that is required. Cleaning the bathrooms never got anyone into the Celestial Kingdom and eating chocolate never kept anyone out. I'd say you get an A+. We need to quit grading ourselves and let someone rational do it for us. How's your mom and dad's house project coming?

Jamie said...

What a great family picture. I love the colors. Don't beat yourself up (although it is what women do in general, so just remember that you are not abnormal in any way). Take a stinking nap if you want and be proud of it! Who cares if your makeup is 2 days old, at least you are wearing some, right? We are working on getting a girls night out put together, because I know that we all need it. I will keep in touch.

Doc said...

You guys look like a Christmas tree with Ginger as the trunk.

MichelleChud said...

That's a beautiful picture! Great colors and great subjects! :)

alisa said...

Doc, you mean with Josh's shiny head as the star?

Momila said...

Well, Alisa, you at least did a card....I am waiting until we get through Tx and get the results (in August before I do a Christmas card--for 2008!) People are sick to death of asking about Brent and getting the same answer "he's hanging in there"...and we won't know if the YX even did anything besides make him terrifically sick until 6 months post TX, so do not beat yourselves up over a January mailed-out card. AND you all look wonderful.
Trust me, there ain't enough photoshopping in the world to make this sick guy look ok. BUT we are so glad you are doing well. I specially love the shot of Ginger with her snow packed legs....& so glad she is not mine ;)
All the hope for blessed 2009 for you & yours. You deserve it.

Brooke said...

Alisa, you're not that late on Christmas cards. I'm finally getting some birth announcements out for Brynn. Along with her 6 month pictures as well! Oh well. You really are amazing!

Misty said...

You have an adorable family!

jennie said...

I love this picture. I think Josh looks HOT and MANLY as ever!

wendipooh13 said...

LOVE your family photo!!! you all look soo amazing!! and so adorable together

Natalee said...

That is such a great picture! So original. Love the boys in green and you look awesome as always.

kathyurry said...

I Love the family Photo and if eating makes you happy then do it. Choclates are good!
Kathy

Jewel said...

We can all relate to this sometimes. You are just more honest about it than some.
Thanks for singning up to clean the church :)