prayer

Its been a bit of a sad week. My moms neighbor and my friend lost her full term baby.

As I'm not handling swollen toes too well, this is just devastating.

I have always known throughout this cancer that although my pain is big, its on a whole different level than someone who has had something happen to their kids.

Because I know how crazy a moms love is, she would do anything to save her child. Usually you don't have that choice though, do you?

I'm so glad I believe that Cali will get to be with her sweet baby someday, and that she will get to be his mom forever.

May God bless you, Cali and Josh.

http://www.babymckallister.blogspot.com/

fine!

Today I had one major goal. Talk with the librarian about my crazy fines and try to get them waived.

My sister says library fines directly correlate with how much stress your feeling.

Lets just say its been a stressful year. I also was never good at getting things back on time in the first place, then you add my brain fog. Its bad. I have paid at least $40 every time I go.

Last time I waited in line filling pretty sick (from the drugs and the unknown number). But when she told me $80 I stared at her in disbelief. I debated for a minute whether or not to tell her my perfectly good reasons for bringing my movies back so late. The line behind me was long, and I started to get chocked up at the thought of my story.

Tears were falling down my cheeks. I knew I wouldn't have a voice.

I slowly reached in my purse and pulled out four $20 bills. I wiped my nose with my hoodie sleeve as I handed her the money.

"Thanks. Have a good day." She said with no emotion.

What?! She looked me strait in the eye while my lips were quivering and mascara running down my face! Did she seriously just take that money without so much as look of sympathy?

I remember a time, probably in the 80s, but definitely before all this seat belt craze, that my mom was pulled over for speeding (very unlike my mom) on the long way home from grandmas house. She totally bawled and got off with just a warning.

I should have chosen the man librarian.

Well, he wasn't there today.

But I had every intention of pulling the cancer card out with my library card. So I pick the librarian with the uniform, short hair. Could be a recent cancer surviver? We may have something major in common and this conversation may end up in an eternal friendship, or at the very least a warm hug. Or is just that she looks dang cute with short hair?

There is no one in line, so I step up to the plate. I start out in this once upon a time fashion that I feel like a librarian is sure to identify with. As I get deeper and deeper into the story she is looking more and more bored. She stops me short with "okay, whats your name."

Oh no, I thought, this is not going well.

"Linton. L-I-N-T-O-N. Alisa A-L-I-S-A."

"Do you have your library card with you?"

I lit up, "Oh, of course." I whipped out (from my official organized-person-looking Lehi Library bag) the card I had had replaced last time I was at the library (another $5).

She scans it in and spends some time looking over the report. "yes, you do have $42 in fines....some movies.....books........"

"Well I have turned them all back in good condition. I take good care of them, its just that I'm SO irresponsible right now...."

At this her eyes shoot up and she gives me a stern look. She said something to the effect of 'thats exactly why we don't know if you should be checking out our materials..' kind of thing and I got panicky.

I started to kind of try to laugh it off, "Oh, its just chemo brain you know. Once I'm off this medicine Ill be back every week, you watch...."

Now I could tell she was questioning the validity of my statements.

Well as luck would have it, my neighbors little kids were walking by just at that moment. I looked around for Julia (little did I know she had her baby while I was at girls camp) and found someone who looked very similar herding the kids.

"Hi! You must be Julia's mom!"

"Oh, yes. And your name is.."

"Alisa."

I waited for maybe that to ring a bell and for her to tell me how she remembers Julia's friend with cancer and how she's so sorry.

Nothing. Of course shes never heard of me.

I say very loudly anyway "I'm her friend with CANCER."

"Oh, I'll tell her you said hi." She smiled politely and walked away.

By now there is a long line behind me and I'm getting very uncomfortable. I'm totally acting like this is all a lie.

In an awkward voice I continue "Don't you have like a program that other libraries are doing where if you read like an hour in the library you get $8 off your fine or something?"

Now shes really looking at me strange. This even makes her laugh. "No."

I talk faster..."Well, its not really the money I mind paying, its the principle of the thing you know. I pay $15 for an overdue DVD, well I might as well have gone to barnes and nobles and kept it. I could get the books new there, at least, without having to worry about bringing them back anywhere....I mean, Ive paid like $200 of fines here this year alone! Its just so hard......"

She consults the computer again "That's true.....You have returned them all......." (but I could tell she was thinking, but your act and your story is ridiculous).

She decides to cut my fine in half.

I leave with my head down hoping no one in that line is reading my blog and realizing how pathetic and lame I really am.

I came home and turned the ringer off my phone.

The phone has been lost ever since.

If you need to reach me, follow my library fine trail.

side effects.

So, I found this chart in all of my cancer drug material I went through to find out what the heck is wrong with me lately. The chart is over one year, and I am at 7 months. No wonder I'm going crazy. (Note the pink and dark orange lines).

I think Ive hit the peak of the side effects. I better be or I don't know if I can make it to November.

Im having major anxiety problems, and feeling so hopeless. It also seems like the fatigue is getting worse every day.

Maybe its the fact that Ive gotten my house on the market in one weekend, and am keeping it semi-clean daily (VERY hard for me). Or the fact that I was cooking at girls camp for a week, with very little sleep (by my current standards). Could be that my leg is swollen something awful in the heat. It may have something to do with no one putting an offer on our house (although josh says it will happen this week).

Its most likely this stupid (but cute) puppy thats been peeing on my floor.

Ginger. You bet I got a twinkle in my eye when I thought maybe there was another curse word I could use around the house without really swearing

Our marriage has lasted 8 years, 3 kids, 3 moves, building a house, cancer, cancer treatments, but I dont know if it can survive this puppy.

I would use the line 'either the puppy goes or I go,' but I'm pretty sure he would pack my bags.

from da potty

I walk in my front door today after grabbing something from my neighbors' house. All was quiet.

"Luke!! What are you doing?"

A raspy voice answers. "Im goin poo. Is dat a good idea mommy?"

"Well yes, it is."

A few sounds later..."ha, ha, mommy did you hear dat tootie-toot-tootie?"

"Lovely."

"UHHHH, GRRRRR, MMMMMM. Mommy was dat loud?"

"Very."

More grunts.

"Oh, mommy! What dat smell?"

"Probley your poop."

"Oh."

"Ready to be wiped?"

"I got two big ones, wait THREE! Brown with white!"

Why dont two year olds act like the rest of us and want to be private? Anyone else having these daily conversations?

the long version

I know, I know, I need to blog.

I feel like there is so much more to say, and a better way to say it, but I'm tired so here goes....

Ive been having some rough weeks, to be honest. I hesitate writing the bad, but thats just how it is sometimes.

It all started the night David Archuletta lost (SHOCKING). My grandpa died (SAD). I ran out of antidepressants for few days (BAD). My best friend had a baby (JEALOUS). I fell in love with a house, but they had already accepted an offer (DEVASTATING). My lymphedema spread to my toes which means no more normal shoes and lots of discomfort (DAM IT).

So in the middle of all this......there are two houses in Lehi I drive by and always say 'if that house goes up for sale I'm buying it.' One is the red brick two story on the north side of Wines park (if you live in Lehi, you know which one it is). The other is a prairie bungalow. Every window is Frank Lloyd Wright-ish looking stained glass.

It goes up for sale. Its meant to be, right?

It is has tons of original built-ins and wood floors. They have redone the wiring and plumbing and kitchen. It has kitchen garden, a sleeping porch, and is on a third of an acre.

Its not even that....its just I felt awakened in the house. I felt like LIVING there. Every image in my head when I think about my house is me, alive.

when I walked through it I did everything they tell you not to. "Oh....I love it! Cute! Its my dream house! I love everything about this house! etc." I drive by every day, stare at it when my kids are at the park, paint the walls in my head. I swear I see my unborn children in those windows.

Its been emotional, but two offers have failed in front of us, and we are in contract. It is conditional on selling our house, and so far, no offers. We dropped the price 10,000 this week and had no one call since. Its not looking good.

Everyone says if its meant to be things will work out.

Guess I'm meant to die and have to haunt these linoleum floors and stucco walls.

the short version

I wish I had the time and energy to tell you why there is a for sale sign in my front yard. Basically, there is a gorgeous 1921 bungalo in Lehi that wants me to live in it.

So, Im trying to get there.

I love my neighborhood something feirce, but theres a change in the wind for us, and I think it will be good.

I think it will save my life.