Its been such a great week. I'm glad I'm getting this small break from treatments to remind me Im going to be back to a good pace after the next nine months of therapy. I have been waking up early, showering, taking the kids to the park, swimming, going on walks, trips to the dinosaur museum, cleaning my house, organizing closets, cooking dinner, shopping (and enjoying it!). I have also put on the 7 lbs I lost. My appetite has been great! I even took in my moms dog this week. That means Ive got to be somewhat stable, right?
There was an incident on Thursday that had me wondering. I had an appointment at a lymhedema clinic to get a massage and pick their brains about if it could be spreading to my left arm (you heard it, my arm is slightly swollen at the end of the day now. I keep telling myself its impossible, but who knows?). I get there 10 minutes early (10:50). I walk in behind a lady whos legs are huge, swollen, and infected. The waiting room is full of elderly like her, but in wheel chairs. I feel so bad for them, and so mad at myself for complaining about my very mild case.
The lady who walked in front of me says to the receptionist, 'here for my lymphedema appointment' and sat down. I was up next but couldn't get the word lymphedema out of my lips, so I just said "my name is Alisa Linton." She looked at me, disapprovingly, over her reading glasses a little and said, "Im sorry, your appointment was at 10. We cant get you in now." I felt so stupid. I was sure it was at 11. I got up and out of the house by 10, had a babysitter, drove all the way to Provo. I just stood there trying to say something but instead I just cried. Like a baby. In front of everyone.
I walked back through the snow to my van, got in and had myself a good pitty party. And then Mitt Romney dropped out of the race. Made for more tears. I was so confused at my emotions. Ive always liked a good roller coaster, but this is ridiculous. As I drove to get myself a big fat cinnamon roll to cheer me up I passed the rehab in Provo I think famous for hosting the likes of Brittany and Lindsey. I seriously almost checked myself in.
Of course I was fine by the time I got home.
Which led me to try and find out if this behavior is 'normal.' Ive never had someone close to me go through this. So I gave in and read a few melanoma and other cancer blogs. I was very glad to know they all go through emotional times no matter how positive/faithful/strong they are/were (most of them died).
I will say that they get to do two things I cant because they are against my religion. Swear and drink. I'm a little jealous!
12 comments:
You crack me up Alisa! You are the best writer! I think the emotional roller coaster has got to be normal, I think its a good thing you had a good cry and got yourself some sugary comfort food! Dont worry drinking and swearing can only bring on more problems so you arent missing out, so I wouldnt be too jealous although Rog disagrees with me! YOu are so awesome and I think you seem to be handling all of this with grace and finesse! We love you! If you feel up to it, we would love to get together with you guys! Let us know if you feel up to it!
Oh, Alisa, you really have the ability to take your readers on the roller coaster with you. I can't believe they didn't fit you in when you started crying!
Glad you are getting a break for a bit - enjoy it!
Hey, if you have to come down to Provo again, you can always drop your boys off at my apartment or I could entertain them on campus or something!
I'm glad you've had some time to feel "normal" again. I only wish it could last longer.
I've never heard you swear... I hope I'm there when you take the plunge. We could mix up a virgin bloody mary or pina colada and just act drunk, would that be fun?
I think the mood swings are absolutely normal!! At least I hope so. We gotta stop being so hard on ourselves....everybody has good days and bad ones, so cut yourself some slack, babe.
So gald you caught a little break and it was hopeful for us to hear that you went back to "normal" so fast after stopping TX. You & Brent will finish TX about the same time...and we will all celebrate.
Drinking is highly overrated as a means to escape (not that I'd know)...and J Golden Kimball was pretty darn famous for his colorful language. All in all, eating a cinnamon roll was probably the best way to handle your anger/stress. Except that now I want one.
Love ya--
Buffy
Alisa,
The mood swings are definitely normal-I always knew things would be fine, but I always worried. Especially for my kids and how they were affected by my tears and moodiness. I'm sorry they didn't get you in-it's such a pain to load up the kids and go to an appointment. I'll always running behind for my treatments which my clinic is getting used to it. It would be easier to remember if my appointment was always the same time.
Boy, I haven't even been to the park in months and I am a total park junkie. You have had some energy.
I can't say I've never cried in public (besides church of course).
Alisa,
I guess I am not your normal person, because I have had several pity parties, and for no good reason. Next time I will try the "cinnamon roll cure." Thanks for the idea. What is so great about you is your ability to express yourself so it feels like we were right there with you. Don't you see, we were all crying right along with you. Be patient with yourself, and write a book.
love, tiffany
I know it has to be hard and I do not know how you do it all. As far as crying I would had done that after I yelled at them. Then I would go get Ice Cream, Cimmonrool and then gone clothes shopping and then a few days later take them all back.
I hope when you go back on the shots you can still do good and not get so low and not have to sleep alot. but what ever happens your still the best and I wish you did not have Cancer.
We Love you lots
The Urry's
Alisa I am sooo sorry to hear about your horrible, rotten day, and wish it didn't have to be that way. Glad you have gotten to go to the park, we are kinda on house lock down with the sick kids and yearning to get out of here.. Just loved your last line in the blog totally cracked me up!!
Alisa, I've never posted because I don't actually know you, I just came across your blog one time while I was blog-hopping. But I wanted to pass along a friend's blog. She's Mormon, has been going through cancer treatments, she's a young mom of three boys, and she's a photographer. I thought maybe you would enjoy reading it, as you two seem to have a lot in common. Sorry to be a cyber-stalker, but e-mail me if you want the blog address. katiehampton31@gmail.com
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