There are so many things I could blog about. I'm picking the one I can get out of my mind.
How do I put it into words though?
James does talk about cancer now. He was home (and I wasn't) when a friend graciously gave me some Tahitian Noni to help with the cancer. He heard the instructions and the hope it might bring. He asks me at random times 'have you taken your noni mommy?' 'how much noni have you had today?' 'have you had your noni twice today?'
The other night he got a hold of some Reichimax tablets (its a mushroom suppliment) at my brothers. The adults looked it up on the internet and found its used to help battle cancer (I'm not saying it dose). Anyway, he came home so excited to show me the treasure he had in his hands that would get rid of my cancer. We had tears in our eyes as he pulled out the bottles and read the ingredients that he was so sure would save my life.
'James, it doesnt cure cancer'
'no, it really does. it stops it. Reichimax. You just take 1 or 2 a day.'
Can I bottle up some of that faith? He pretends not to listen to cancer talk, but hes very tuned in. When my sister and I talk about it in the car he calls from the back 'can you guys stop talking about that.'
I got to take the boys out on dates today. James and I went to the planetarium and read every plaque. Turns out he knows more about space than me. We ended the date with an IMAX planet show in the dome theater. As we saw the number of stars, planets, solar systems, etc. I realized how very tiny and insignificant I am.
And yet to the little boy holding my hand I am his world (or a very big part of it). It would be a very different place without his mom. No wonder he doesn't want to deal with it.
Sam said last night, "mommy I love you so fast my hands get fire all over and burn up." There is no way anyone (or everyone for that matter) could tell my boys how much I love them. I guess I could only hope they would feel it even if I wasn't there to show them.
I don't think mommies should be allowed to die.