There are so many things I could blog about. I'm picking the one I can get out of my mind.
How do I put it into words though?
James does talk about cancer now. He was home (and I wasn't) when a friend graciously gave me some Tahitian Noni to help with the cancer. He heard the instructions and the hope it might bring. He asks me at random times 'have you taken your noni mommy?' 'how much noni have you had today?' 'have you had your noni twice today?'
The other night he got a hold of some Reichimax tablets (its a mushroom suppliment) at my brothers. The adults looked it up on the internet and found its used to help battle cancer (I'm not saying it dose). Anyway, he came home so excited to show me the treasure he had in his hands that would get rid of my cancer. We had tears in our eyes as he pulled out the bottles and read the ingredients that he was so sure would save my life.
'James, it doesnt cure cancer'
'no, it really does. it stops it. Reichimax. You just take 1 or 2 a day.'
Can I bottle up some of that faith? He pretends not to listen to cancer talk, but hes very tuned in. When my sister and I talk about it in the car he calls from the back 'can you guys stop talking about that.'
I got to take the boys out on dates today. James and I went to the planetarium and read every plaque. Turns out he knows more about space than me. We ended the date with an IMAX planet show in the dome theater. As we saw the number of stars, planets, solar systems, etc. I realized how very tiny and insignificant I am.
And yet to the little boy holding my hand I am his world (or a very big part of it). It would be a very different place without his mom. No wonder he doesn't want to deal with it.
Sam said last night, "mommy I love you so fast my hands get fire all over and burn up." There is no way anyone (or everyone for that matter) could tell my boys how much I love them. I guess I could only hope they would feel it even if I wasn't there to show them.
I don't think mommies should be allowed to die.
13 comments:
alisa I agree wholeheartedly-mommies should never have to leave their babies. I'm crying and I don't even have any of my own but I feel your pain and his fear.
I don't think sisters should be allowed to die either.
I'm so glad you are taking the boys out. I think your experiences, and the fact that you are sharing them, will help all mommies (and daddies) to see how precious time with loved ones is. Too bad you all are finding out what happens when a person gets a serious illness, it's been around at least since "Doc's Miraculous Cure-All hit the market. Hope isn't in a bottle, it's in the prayers of hundreds, if not thousands..for you.
Alisa, I hope you won't be allowed to die because you are right--kids do need their mommies. I can't even imagine a more righteous reason to want to live. We've talked about tragic mothers dying in books, but I have thought of a happier example: Harry Potter! Think of the affect of his mother's love for him--even in the short time they were together. No matter what happens, your love for your kids will influence them forever.
I agree and I also cried. A lot. Punk! Why won't you just give me a pet chicken already?! I love you so much Alisa.
I don't think you should be allowed to post anymore. Or maybe I should just stop reading. You make me cry...and think about hard things that I don't want to think about. I love you, Alisa. I love those boys, too.
I agree, Alisa, especially mommies as amazing as you are.
I keep coming here to read your next post expecting you to be done saying these beautiful things, and yet they don't stop. Seth and I watched the "Let them be little" movie you made last year. The first time I saw it, that had an impact on the kind of parent I wanted to be. I hope anyone reading this blog knows that Alisa has always shown everyone that her boys (including Josh, of course) are everything to her. This isn't something that came with her diagnosis.
All of your boys would be lost without you! Dad, the brothers, Josh, James, Sam, Luke, Winston... I have always admired the love you show for everyone, especially family members!
What a beautiful blog, Alisa. I hope you and your family know that we pray for ALL of you.
Even though we are across the nation at beautiful Hilton Head Island, and enjoying ourselves with the Reid and Stephanie Chapman Reunion, our thoughts and prayers are with you daily. And sincerely hope that your faith and ours will take you through this challenge in your life. We love you. - Grandpa and Grandma
Alisa, we love you and think of you often. Thank you for touching our lives.
-Rachel and Micah
I am praying for a smooth proceedure tomorrow and also a nice recovery.
I am also praying for you to have strength as you approach this next step or phase- Spiritual, mental, and physical strength.
"Sometimes He calms the Storm. Sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms His child."
Julia
And yes, He must trust you a little much. Why'd you have to be so good? J.K.
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