Today was devoted to tests. The brain MRI was awful. Mostly because I had drunk about a liter of contrast that was screaming to come out. On top of that they put you in a little tube and strap down your head and tell you not to move, even swallow while you hear the 'jack hammer' sounds at your head. Perfect. It lasts 30 minutes with some breaks in between. The technician suggested that the best way to get through the test was to close my eyes and think of a Hawaiian beach. For some reason the thoughts were leaning more toward IKEAs mac and cheese. Then I got nervous that the Dr.s could determine if I had intelligent thoughts or lame ones, involving food. "Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Jon, manipulating electrons, string theory, neurotransmitters....."etc. Unfortunately I ran out of smart things to contemplate in a matter of minutes. I feel like I failed miserably.
The CT scan was fast. They don't give you any results for 24-48 hours, although I tried best I could to get a little info out of them. I need to take flirting lessons from Jennie-I'm way out of practice.
Its my turn to get some good news tomorrow.
Life has funny way of....ending. Just kidding, its just that the Dr.s are always so shocked when I talk like that. I think its a good thing, talking about it, that is.
I'm not scared. Death has a beauty of its own. As a nurse Ive been able to be with several people as they passed to the other side. The feeling in the room is similar to being in room with a mom giving birth. Tears in both cases, although maybe not for the exact reasons. A last breath and a first breath. Isn't it all amazing? Life just goes on.
Luckily, because I'm trying to reconstruct my thoughts to the positive (how do you think I'm doing?) my chest should be rising and falling for a while.
Sam was begging not to go to bed tonight "Can I stay up a little longer mommy?" "No" "Just five more minutes mommy" "No, love" "Please!! Just to play" "No, dear" "Mommy, just five more minutes!!"
I gave in.
And then I thought, would God? "Can I stay here a little longer Father?" "Just five more years" "Please, just to be here with everyone I love?" "Just five more years?"
I'm going to try it.