Today was devoted to tests. The brain MRI was awful. Mostly because I had drunk about a liter of contrast that was screaming to come out. On top of that they put you in a little tube and strap down your head and tell you not to move, even swallow while you hear the 'jack hammer' sounds at your head. Perfect. It lasts 30 minutes with some breaks in between. The technician suggested that the best way to get through the test was to close my eyes and think of a Hawaiian beach. For some reason the thoughts were leaning more toward IKEAs mac and cheese. Then I got nervous that the Dr.s could determine if I had intelligent thoughts or lame ones, involving food. "Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Jon, manipulating electrons, string theory, neurotransmitters....."etc. Unfortunately I ran out of smart things to contemplate in a matter of minutes. I feel like I failed miserably.
The CT scan was fast. They don't give you any results for 24-48 hours, although I tried best I could to get a little info out of them. I need to take flirting lessons from Jennie-I'm way out of practice.
Its my turn to get some good news tomorrow.
Life has funny way of....ending. Just kidding, its just that the Dr.s are always so shocked when I talk like that. I think its a good thing, talking about it, that is.
I'm not scared. Death has a beauty of its own. As a nurse Ive been able to be with several people as they passed to the other side. The feeling in the room is similar to being in room with a mom giving birth. Tears in both cases, although maybe not for the exact reasons. A last breath and a first breath. Isn't it all amazing? Life just goes on.
Luckily, because I'm trying to reconstruct my thoughts to the positive (how do you think I'm doing?) my chest should be rising and falling for a while.
Sam was begging not to go to bed tonight "Can I stay up a little longer mommy?" "No" "Just five more minutes mommy" "No, love" "Please!! Just to play" "No, dear" "Mommy, just five more minutes!!"
I gave in.
And then I thought, would God? "Can I stay here a little longer Father?" "Just five more years" "Please, just to be here with everyone I love?" "Just five more years?"
I'm going to try it.
17 comments:
Alisa- I think that is a brilliant plan. And I'm sure your intelligent thoughts earned you extra credit :)
I heard someone say: I will plan as if tomorrow is the last day, but I will still plant cherry trees. I knelt in my garden today praying for you -- time enough to plant and harvest cherries. I live by the hope my garden gives me.
We are hoping for some good news for you as well. We enjoyed your commentary on thinking "smart" during your MRI. No doubt your scan will be on display at future medical conferences as an example of extraordinarily high brain activity. Glad to hear that you are having good days and that you have such a great attitude.
Anna & Emil Pierson
You are so beautiful, Alisa. I love the way you think.
Alisa, you're too good with words. You make my heart break. Thanks for helping me appreciate life. Love you!
All of us are using the same begging tactics on your behalf, so if it works with Him, then I think we have that covered. Glad to hear you were thinking smart thoughts. In those situations I always find myself quoting movie lines. Pretty sure that is worse that mac and cheese thoughts...
You crack me up! I haven't tried IKEA's Mac and Cheese, but I LOVE the swedish meatballs. I'll have to give the Mac and Cheese a try if it's like a Hawaiian beach!
As far as the flirting goes, you don't need any lessons. You got every boy you ever wanted.
I have noticed that you are being more positive and I think it's great, even if not for you, but for everyone else who is aching for you.
Lastly...I love the comparison between bedtime and death. I'll let my babe stay up later if she's being sweet and snuggly as opposed to grouchy and roudy. So maybe you should snuggle more.
I love your blog and I love you more.
I agree with your thoughts on death, but it would be nice of God to let you stick around a while longer. (this may sound awful) I think that God must be angry with me or something, because he hasn't been playing fair for quite some time now.
I love your posts, Alisa, even if they keep making me cry. Miss you!
What courage you have to undergo all of this testing. It must feel like you are in movie or on ER or something at times. But it is of course reality and you deal with it as it comes.
A reminder of a diversion for tomorrow morning if you are able---9:30 storytime, and if you hadn't heard, it's HAT DAY!!
IKEAs mac and cheese is to die for. Really.
Sister Linton
I think you are doing awesome on the positive thinking....your blog is amazing. You are amazing. I will let you know when I am working.I will see you soon. Much love,Jacey Jarrett
Alisa, is IKEA better than the blue box, who would have known? Just know that your not the only one asking for you to have more time!
Maybe I'm greedy, but I'm hoping for more than 5 years for you. I love you and I'm excited to see you.
Alisa,
I have never met you, but have had some tear fill conversations about you. To introduce myself, I'm your husbands cousin, Donny Christiansen's mother in law, (He's such a lucky guy). I have been been following your adventure, if we can call it that, with my daughter, Annie. As we have cried together, as she has shared with me all that you have posted, I feel impressed to share with you the "adventure" my brother had with the same circumstances. He had the same cancer you have, only it manifested itself on his head. At first, he was treated with Interferon and yes, although not pleasant, he lived through it. He has also had one round of radiation
and that wasn't bad at all. He now takes some seizure medicine as a result of the radiation, but he has been symptom free for 5 years now. and just got called to serve in the bishopric of his ward. Yes, the Lord does hear and answer prayers!!!! It has been an up hill battle for all of us, as it is going to be for you, but it is my testimony to you that the holy ghost, and the Savior will be with you and your family, to calm, comfort, advise, and protect, as you grow through this trial. As I have read your blog, I can honestly say that I can see that happening in your life, from the things you have experienced and your thoughts on them as the months have progressed. I will make sure your name is constantly on the Arizona Temple prayer roll, and you will be in my prayers as well. All my best wishes to you. Faith is the major factor, and I feel that there are lots of wonderful people exercising their faith and sending up their prayers in your behalf.
I love you from afar
Barbara Porter
Hi Alisa,
I just figured out I can actually leave a message here without emailing you....I really look forward to your new postings. You give me much strenght, hope and appreciation for this life. It has been awesome getting to know you by reading them.
Harley really enjoyed talking to you the other day. She loves you very much.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love Ya
Pam
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