I know a blog (at least mine) in not suppose to take place of, or even be compared to a personal journal. But let type the last entry I had in mine before I found out that my mole was indeed melanoma.
"Its mothers day so Josh is putting the kids to bed for me and I've wanted to write in here for a long time. Yesterday Josh and I were talking to our neighbor Danny about our 'vision board' (refer to the Secret DVD) [its basically a cork board you take pictures of everything you want to obtain in life so you can make a goal to get it]. He asked whats on mine.
I guess everything I want is just right before me. The house is great, the fam is perfect. I just feel blessed to have everything I have. I really feel like I'm living the abundant life.
It's walks in the morning down to the river to watch my boys throw rocks and blow dandelion wishes, and laying in the hammock with all five of us talking about the ghost James and Sam swear they saw in our house. It's cuddling with Luke before his nap and wishing he would stay little forever-thats what the abundant life is and I thank God for it all."
Today Josh has been calling the Dr. office non-stop. The nurse said it was in, but not dictated so she couldn't tell us what it said. They closed their office at 2:30 so I waited. Josh said he would call at 1:30. From 1:30 till two I was shaking. I was getting ready to photograph my cousins' wedding. I took my mascara off to start putting on my face again. I put my contacts in then stopped, staring. In the mirror I saw a beautiful woman. I can only attribute it to being so nervous all the blood was rushing to my face. I thought for the first time in my mommy life "I don't even need make up today." My hair (which hadn't been touched) was softly falling down my shoulders, perfectly parted.
And then Josh called. He sounded up beat, "So...I talked to the nurse, she told me the results.." "And?" "And she said that they took out three lymph nodes, and they were all positive." "Positive? For what?" (I honestly did not think I would hear those words) "Melanoma."
We cried together for a minute.
I ran to my neighbors to make sure I wasn't dreaming.
Within an hour and a half my friends had packed our bags and my car.
I'm going to cash all the checks on my fridge. We are headed to California right now, until my appointment on Tuesday with the Dr. I really don't know what they do next. Maybe nothing, but I doubt it. I'm scared to death and I don't want to know any more.
If I'm going to go through denial, what better place than Disneyland?